Do it yourself...

Body Embalming Kits Finally Arrive!

Save your family from going broke on expensive funerals and embalm yourself! Yes you can start today. No need to wait. The aspartame in diet sodas has been discovered that by simply raising its temperature to exceed 86 degrees Fahrenheit that the wood alcohol in Aspartame converts to formaldehyde and then to formic acid, which in turn causes metabolic acidosis.

Side effects may include: conditions mimicking multiple sclerosis, and systemic lupus, tinnitus, fibromyalgia, spasms, shooting, pains, numbness in your legs, cramps, vertigo, dizziness, headaches, joint pain, unexplainable depression, anxiety attacks, slurred speech, blurred vision, or memory loss.

“It is a cheap replacement for embalming fluid which is really important due to the rising gas prices and struggling economy. People will do anything to pinch pennies.” Says Ricardo Hansberg, Mortician in Baltimore, Maryland.

Finally an inexpensive and enjoyable way to prepare for the death process. And good news to all those spirituals. There is nowhere in the Bible or Koran or any other religious doctrine that I have found that considers this suicide by any means. So drink on! I knew there was a loophole to that whole “all suicides go to hell” thing.

While you are at it just drop by your local fast-food joint and Supersize it. All of it. Just make sure you bring your antacids. Some have found while pursuing this type of preservation technique that at times it can be uncomfortable if you don’t take the necessary precautions. For more tips on these “precautions” please visit my website at www.tipsfordie-tors.com. I think you will be pleased.

“Senator Howard Metzenbaum wrote a bill that would require label warnings on products containing Aspartame, especially regarding pregnant women, children and infants. [His bill] would institute independent studies on the known dangers and the problems existing regarding seizures, changes in brain chemistry, neurological changes and behavioral symptoms. The bill was killed.” (1)

We obviously know it is safe to consume and that is why the bill wasn’t passed. Good thing powerful drug and chemical lobbies are responsible for this.

If it says 'SUGAR FREE' on the label, don’t even think about it! Get your diet soda by the barrel now and start tipping it back.

*The above article is a humorous slant based on true information of aspartame. Unfortunately the story of Senator Howard is true.